Wedding planning, Has Joys and Battles

By KAREN GUZMAN
Raleigh News & Observer

RALEIGH, N.C. - With only four days left until the wedding, the rehearsal dinner controversy just wouldn't die. Bride Candra Murphy was burned out.

`My mother is a little stubborn and pigheaded like me,'' said Murphy, 29, who married her fiance Saturday in Raleigh.

The bone of contention?

Because the couple were footing the bill for their wedding, they had asked rehearsal dinner guests to shell out for their own meals. Murphy's mom thought this was big-time tacky.

But Murphy, speaking in the breathless staccato of a young woman who has spent too long trying to please everyone, said it's a matter of economics.

And so, the back-and-forth was getting old. ``I'm like, 'People, I've got four days. I need you to back away from me a bit,' '' Murphy said.

Such is the joy of planning your wedding. Flowers, white lace and battles over where Aunt Bertha sits just seem to go together. The real challenge for betrothed couples lies in staying true to their vision, while negotiating with all the other folks who have a stake in the wedding.

"Although the bride may have been dreaming about her wedding since she was a child, there's a possibility her mother has been dreaming of her daughter's wedding since before the bride was born!'' Marilyn Olivera, an editor at WeddingChannel.com, said in an e-mail interview.

"It's a day that's important to a lot of people ... and of course everyone is going to have their own tastes and preferences.''

Murphy faced a few other skirmishes. Nixing the receiving line and putting off her honeymoon ruffled feathers.

"I had to let them know that being that we're paying for things, I know you have an opinion but that's all it can be,'' she said. "You try to say it in a nice way, but you have to be firm.''

Murphy has a point. Experts say footing the bill is the best way to maintain control.

"If you're paying for it, and this is your event, it should be what you want,'' said Angie Wright, a wedding consultant at With This Ring in Cary.

But keeping the peace is also important, Wright said. "Try to compromise at all costs because this is a day you want to remember as being happy.''

Understanding the dynamics of weddings can help. It is a major life event, and all major life events are inherently stressful -- especially for the bride and groom, who are entering a new phase of life.

Plus weddings in our culture are a public milestone, a mark of validation where entire families see themselves reflected. Everyone wants to put his or her best face forward.

"It's a lot of pressure to put on a single day,'' said Nancy Hill, a professor of psychology at Duke University. ``Control and perfection on the perfect day are all entangled.''

This often painful struggle can play itself out in any number of wedding details. The role of religion, especially when the couple have different faith backgrounds, is one issue Wright typically sees.

A Jewish couple she recently worked with clashed with their parents over how religious the ceremony should be. The couple weren't big on religion, but they compromised to spare their parents' feelings.

"They're going to incorporate some portion of the Jewish faith into the ceremony,'' Wright said.

Wedding size is another battlefield. ``I find the bride is the one who wants it to be more intimate. It's the family, the parents, who want it to be a little bigger,'' said wedding consultant Barbara Clark of An Elegant Affair in Raleigh.

"For the parents, it's a time to reconnect with everyone in the family. The bride is saying, 'But I never see great Aunt Grace, so why do I want her at the wedding?' "

Jeana Currin, 27, of Raleigh got married last year. The size of the wedding wasn't an issue, but there were others: Sit-down dinner vs. buffet, live band vs. deejay and to drink or not to drink.

``They're a little old-fashioned so they weren't in favor of alcohol,'' Currin said of her parents.

She wanted an open bar. They settled on beer and wine, but served only until a half-hour before the reception ended.

Her parents wanted sober drivers heading home. ``They felt a little better about that,'' she said.

No matter the issue, communication -- and that means listening as well as speaking -- is the key to peace, said psychologist Hill.

Family members should share their visions for the day at the beginning of the planning process, and talk it through. And because there are bound to be stalemates, Olivera offers couples the following tips to make negotiating less painful:

Pick your battles. Know which aspects of the wedding are up for debate and which aren't. Then stick to your guns. As long as you get the key elements, be willing to bend on smaller details.

Back up your decisions with reason. If you do not want kids at the event, saying, ``In order for us to stay on budget, we had to make the difficult decision to limit our guest list to adults'' will go over better than, ``We don't want kids running wild at the wedding.''

Get creative. If your mother is going to be crushed if you don't wear her old wedding dress, the one you hate, figure out a way to make both of you happy. Have the dress altered to fit your taste or wear it only to the ceremony and wear the dress of your choice the rest of the day.

Get a wedding coordinator. It could be worth the money to soothe jangled nerves.

``We are the middle ground. We can make them step back,'' Wright said. ``Having a coordinator gives both sides a person to go to and vent everything.'